When You Feel Like You Are Not Enough


The sun was shining into my windshield like glory flashes as I made the commute down to the University.

 
I was on my way to the Bible study for international moms and this was week two.  And I was trying to pray.  My mind was wandering over last week’s lesson, our first group, and my baptism by fire.  I had been asked to lead the study the very first week of the group and I had, but I was feeling in a word, inadequate.






 
 The group is made up of mothers from all over the world, some brand new to our country, most only here for a year or two at most.  About half to three-fourths are believers and the rest are seekers, women who want to understand the Bible and who God is but who have little to no spiritual experience with Christianity.

 And these women ask difficult questions.  The kind that make you want to hide under a rock because you are not sure that you can possibly explain what they are asking in a cross cultural and relevant way.    One Chinese woman in particular kept asking questions about our passage of scripture.  Questions that at their root said, “Is God really good?  Does He really have our good in mind when He acts?” 

I had done my best.  And I felt like it was not enough.

And so on my way to week two, I am floundering, flapping, fumbling through my prayers to find even the right words to pray for this morning.  The word blazing across my heart is this: Failure.

“Lord, please help me.  Work in these women’s hearts and lives.  Draw them to you.  Reveal yourself to them…” And then the words began rising up within my heart.  The words I needed to pray and I knew they didn’t come from me. “Lord I thank you that you are working in these women’s lives.  I thank you that I am not sufficient, but You are.  I thank you that I am not enough, but you are more than enough.  I thank you that in my weakness, you are strong.  Everything is possible with you.  Be exalted in these women’s lives. Amen.”  And peace settled, the warmth rising in the morning mist.

As we opened up the Bible study we invite the women to share something they are thankful for this week or a way they have seen God working in their lives.  Then my Chinese friend, the one with all the impossible questions, speaks.

“Last week, I had many questions about God and the Bible.  I have had these questions for a very long time and these questions kept me from believing in God.  I just couldn’t understand.  But last week you all helped me to see God.  I went home and thought about it and I decided to follow Jesus.  I prayed, by myself at home and God is with me now.  He is helping me. And I am thankful.”

The tears filling my eyes are nothing compared to the joy rising, like the blazing sun in my heart.

And this is what I know, I am not enough on my own.  But the God I love and serve, is more than enough. And God delights in over and over proving His greatness and glory through those that are nothing, so that He gets the glory.  God sovereignly revealed Himself to this woman and brought new life to her, not because I have such great apologetics or winsome words but because He is sufficient in all things. 

I am learning again, over and over, what it looks like to trust Him.  Like the apostle Paul, to believe that “(God’s) grace is sufficient for you because my power is made perfect in weakness,” 2 Corinthians 12:9. I am learning to lean not on my own abilities but to rest in His grace and strength. 

He is always enough.

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