If You've Ever Been Crushed By Life...Hope
Standing there, under the moonlight, I call to the girls, clad in dance uniforms, to come to the van so we can leave dance.
My friend turns to me and says, "How are you?"
"I'm...o.k." Liar.
"Tired. Me, I'm tired."
He looked tired. As tired as I felt.
"Just twenty or so more years of tired. That's what we have isn't it? It'll be that long before we get some peace, get some quiet, right?" Him, parked, with his big twelve passenger van next to my twelve passenger van packed full of eight kids, my six plus two carpoolers, in the frantic rush of dance practice and dinner and doing.
"Don't tell me that. There's got to be hope. Hope? That's all I've got right now."
And all this week, all I've heard running in my head are just these words: Overwhelmed. Crushed by life. Unable.
And I can't seem to get it together.
I've felt it long and deep, this crushing, this breaking of me, and I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be? And how long can I do this, how long do you just endure? Twenty more years?
I can't even imagine tomorrow?
Am I doing something wrong? What is it that I am supposed to learn?
Driving home, I'm so empty, I can't even pray.
And I just plain, hope. Hope that there is grace, somewhere, for moments like these and people like me and how do you get through this, life?
Morning comes early as usual, up at 5:45am with coffee and God. Trying to suck the sap of life from the Living Word and breathe life into these dead bones.
I read and I pray. "Lord, help me. I trust you to live through me today. To give me the strength that I do not have. Lord, I am nothing without you and I without you I can not. I surrender my life to you today, a new. Live through me and in me fully. I trust you."
The kids come down and we have devotions together. Today we read the last chapter of Romans and the beginning of 2 Corinthians. And it is here that my world pivots and turns, words sinking deep, words straight from the mouth of God.
And I read, "We thought you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die."
Wait. This is my inner monologue. And it's in the Bible? You mean other people feel like this?
Great people. People like my hero, Paul, the apostle. People who love Jesus with all their heart.
People who build churches and preach the gospel and live for Christ. They feel like this too?
So I read on, "But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us." 2 Corinthians 1:8-10
So, Paul, he says, all this overwhelming and crushing that he thought was going to kill him, well it just made him stop trusting in himself and trust in God more.
So, I want easier, I want simpler, I want painless, but God, he wants to give me the things that will force me to stop trusting in myself and starting trusting only in Him.
His gifts aren't always pretty, but they harvest beauty.
Wasn't I just reading this morning about the fruit of the Spirit and telling Him that I wanted Him to make me like Him, full of His character?
Guess what, there's only one way to get there.
Through suffering and trusting.
Paul did it. The very sentences preceding those verses are all about suffering. He says, "For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow into our lives, so also through Christ, our comfort overflows." 2 Cor. 1:5
And Romans 8:17 tells us that, "Now if we are (God's) children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs of Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
This life I live, I live for Christ. And the sufferings of it are all for Him. But they are gifts to me, to make me rely on God, and to enable me to one day share in His glory.
And this is the hope that gives life to my dry bones, that calls forth springs of joy even in the overwhelming of life.
That all this, it is for Him, it is the gift of His grace, and it's making me ready for glory.
My friend turns to me and says, "How are you?"
"I'm...o.k." Liar.
"Tired. Me, I'm tired."
He looked tired. As tired as I felt.
"Just twenty or so more years of tired. That's what we have isn't it? It'll be that long before we get some peace, get some quiet, right?" Him, parked, with his big twelve passenger van next to my twelve passenger van packed full of eight kids, my six plus two carpoolers, in the frantic rush of dance practice and dinner and doing.
"Don't tell me that. There's got to be hope. Hope? That's all I've got right now."
And all this week, all I've heard running in my head are just these words: Overwhelmed. Crushed by life. Unable.
And I can't seem to get it together.
I've felt it long and deep, this crushing, this breaking of me, and I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be? And how long can I do this, how long do you just endure? Twenty more years?
I can't even imagine tomorrow?
Am I doing something wrong? What is it that I am supposed to learn?
Driving home, I'm so empty, I can't even pray.
And I just plain, hope. Hope that there is grace, somewhere, for moments like these and people like me and how do you get through this, life?
Morning comes early as usual, up at 5:45am with coffee and God. Trying to suck the sap of life from the Living Word and breathe life into these dead bones.
I read and I pray. "Lord, help me. I trust you to live through me today. To give me the strength that I do not have. Lord, I am nothing without you and I without you I can not. I surrender my life to you today, a new. Live through me and in me fully. I trust you."
The kids come down and we have devotions together. Today we read the last chapter of Romans and the beginning of 2 Corinthians. And it is here that my world pivots and turns, words sinking deep, words straight from the mouth of God.
And I read, "We thought you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die."
Wait. This is my inner monologue. And it's in the Bible? You mean other people feel like this?
Great people. People like my hero, Paul, the apostle. People who love Jesus with all their heart.
People who build churches and preach the gospel and live for Christ. They feel like this too?
So I read on, "But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us." 2 Corinthians 1:8-10
So, Paul, he says, all this overwhelming and crushing that he thought was going to kill him, well it just made him stop trusting in himself and trust in God more.
So, I want easier, I want simpler, I want painless, but God, he wants to give me the things that will force me to stop trusting in myself and starting trusting only in Him.
His gifts aren't always pretty, but they harvest beauty.
Wasn't I just reading this morning about the fruit of the Spirit and telling Him that I wanted Him to make me like Him, full of His character?
Guess what, there's only one way to get there.
Through suffering and trusting.
Paul did it. The very sentences preceding those verses are all about suffering. He says, "For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow into our lives, so also through Christ, our comfort overflows." 2 Cor. 1:5
And Romans 8:17 tells us that, "Now if we are (God's) children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs of Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
This life I live, I live for Christ. And the sufferings of it are all for Him. But they are gifts to me, to make me rely on God, and to enable me to one day share in His glory.
And this is the hope that gives life to my dry bones, that calls forth springs of joy even in the overwhelming of life.
That all this, it is for Him, it is the gift of His grace, and it's making me ready for glory.
I've just stumbled upon your blog through the High Calling I believe, and want to tell you how much this post and others I have read resonate with me, especially today. Thank-you for these strong words.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jessica, I appreciate your encouragement!
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